Ready? Action!

Ello there people. =)

Tis' journey is almost over.
People are asking more than ever if I am excited about the pregnancy.
I simply reply 'Uh, Not Really.'

It's not that I am not happy about yet another gift from God or ready to be a mom (Sheesh, I have Gavin already so I got this in the bag) it's just I feel my pregnancy was not a happy one, its running neck and neck with my pregnancy two years ago. (So far, this one is in the lead. Not a good look.) I can honestly say that my suroundings and choosing to keep certain company brought my unhappiness. It was always a constant up and down situation. To escape in the past, the problems and people I'd move constantly or react like a mad woman. Reflecting on the course of these last nine months I would have to say my actions have been completely out of character. For awhile now, (like years) I was doing pretty well of not acting upon others ignorance or behaviors but I have found myself lately on top of everything. You ever get that feeling like "If you don't react, it shows weakness but if you do, it'll show your just as ignorant as they are?" I found myself in those type of "if" situations a lot this year. Listening to the "if i were you's" or the unthought out advice of others, and not thinking for myself and how it will affect my future put me in some unsteady situations. It's been about a month or so since I have been living in my new home with my unborn's father. (No, I don't like the term baby-daddy or baby-mama cause it's really ghetto and ignorant.) A month. 30 days. No we aren't together and wont be together, ever. Whatever. We live together because we want a family environment for the kids. Gavin is attached to him and even looked at him as a father in his life. Not only for the kids but when we aren't arguing we get along great. We both enjoy each other's company and running things together, but still not together. Ever again. In this short amount of time, he has threaned to leave once and actually left for about a week the last time. Why? Actions. We have put each other through hell since I had my miscarriage and ended up being pregnant again. We keep dealing with each other but neither can forgive or forget. We are looked upon as stupid for dealing with each other yet embarased of our past actions caused us to be. We used to be friends, best of friends for four years before our relationship and that's where it went down hill. I been twiddling my thumbs for the longest about "if's" what if I never got pregnant again, would I still have my bestfriend better yet my boyfriend back? Or "if" we left each other alone would I still have the people I used to call friends in my life? Even if, I kept, not even I, WE kept our business out the noses of others would so many problems erupt? These are the questions I never will have the answers to. So to prevent future problems I need to go back to thinking before I respond or retaliate against people and even if I am judged or looked upon as weak, I am 22 year-old mom with now her own everything and two kids that need me. Not a relationship, enemies, negativity, or drama should be my focus. The actions I make until I take my last breath will be the correct ones. I don't ever want this to control my happiness or take me out of my element again. Life is like a movie besides the fact there aren't any cuts or do-overs. So make your next move your best move because I know I will, without a doubt.

Outie♥
Breezi F.

A.W.O.L

Absent Without Leave. Sorry guys. =( I have abandoned you all for like two weeks!!! Ugh! A lot has been going on and your girl has been stressed to the max. I have approximately 6 weeks left in my pregnancy (thank God) and I have been in hell. I found myself with no one really to talk to because of a lot of unnecessary drama and he say, she say. So to avoid these peoblems for now so I wont cause any stress to my unborn was to stay distant from a lot of people. When I was distan,t people made their own assumptions and fed off of the word of mouth process. I didn't find the need to discuss much with anyone because I don't need the extra stress. Plain as day, right? Well according to people I am wrong and just a drama queen but yet I've done nothing nor said anything to anyone. Awhile ago I did a blog about friends. I have two lifelong friends, Janay and Danielle. They know me. I am not perfect, I can be at fault but they still don't judge me and they listen. They have the slightest clue of what happened to me nor any details. Instead of calling me out or putting me on blast; they listened. Left with encouraging words and no hurtful. Miles are between us but I am so happy to know that these two are the real deal. I love them and they love me back. I would like to share what they said to me:

Danielle (via Facebook Note):

Dis is a woman (Janay) who when we were younger i did not like her. dats what i told her and jessica...lol, but i did like her. she really was effin kool. and trustworthy to my friend jessica. who introduced us. neway over the years we three have been partners in crime from skating rings to sleep overs to janay comin to my house and eatin all my food. her and jessica junkin up my clean bathroom...lol. but i truly luv them. im writting this cuz i want yall to know how thankful i am to have these two in my life. we are all military bratts. me jessica clayton and janay brown. we never lived close to each other all at the same time. we all moved away to different states and stayed in contact. ALWAYS! neway right now janay is away at college, jessica is in virginia bout to have her second baby, and im in georgia wit my 3 kids. we never get to see each other and i never realized how much i really luv them and really miss them....(o geez im crying) neway i recently came back from fayetteville which by the way i had a horrible time. dealing wit my childrens families and their fathers. (yes i have two baby daddies) i was so so hurt and so alone. it was just me in the car drivin down skibo wit my kids. tryin to figure out what to do to brighten up my evening, not just for me but so my kids know im ok. i decided to just take them to walmart so they could each pick out a toy to take on the trip home. i cried on ever single isle i turned on, but i had my big glasses on so no one knew. not even the kids. they luv walmart they were zoned out neway...lol. all of a sudden i heard someone scream my name...DDAANNIIEELLLLLEE!!! i never in a million years expected to see janay brown in front of me...cheezzin...lol. and ive never in a million years been so overjoyed with happiness and love. her and her mom. i hugged them both as tight as i could and couldnt stop crying. omg. but this is my point- about me jessica and janay. we are all so far away from each other, but when we really really need each other even for just an assurace that we luv each other. we are there. some how some way. and i'm very very thankful to have these two woman in my life. i couldnt get on the road to go back to georgia cuz i was too hurt, but after janay and her mom popped up i was good to go. got back at 3am. i gota stop crying now. and i gotta change my phone number cuz i cant deal wit the other people out ther nemore. i never wanna feel that bad ever again. love you janay. love you jessica.

Janay (via Message & disregard her lack of spelling lol):

hello there love, i'm hoping you have recoperated from that text i set you and are feeling just like your lil side maseage says you think you are ...AWSOME.. i love you and i hope to get to visit your sexy prego self soon and maybe might even be able to go to the hospital when you have the baby, thats what im banking on, but you ahng in there.justs remember you hormone are actin as if they were on acid lol, i was depressed for the last couple of weks myself tryin to get ready for school and haveing work to turn in for my trip to china and just slapt all day, but you have to snap out of it and just pray.. but anywho know that me and Danielle love you very much and danielle is that perfect person to talk to being that she was going through a lil post partum herself at one point. but i love you and i will keep you and the babies in my prayers.

These words from them two picked me back up. And though we don't talk 24/7 nor even know whats going on with one another, I know these two always know what to say. Love you both. And all the folks who read my blog just bare with me cause I haven't been myself lately and I hope soon enough the puzzle of this journey will be completed. Love you guys too!!! =)

Outie♥
Breezi F.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Twenty-two years ago today, I was born!!! Thank you God for allowing me to see another year! Although last year I patied it up with friends, this year is quite suttle since I am 8 months pregnant. So Happy Birthday to all the Leos cause we rock, yay!

Last Year On My Bday:

Outie♥

Breezi F.

Why BET, why?

-Television fo' negroes!

So I was on my Twitter flow (twitter.com/BreeziF) earlier today and just like any nerd I follow celebs as long as well as friends. I seen a twit from the comedian Lil Duval and it said:

i have to ask again: dear keshia coles if u care about us PLEASE don't let the frankie & neffie show air tonite. love lil duval

Talk about somebody weak! Why BET? Why you give them a show? They are super g-h-e-t-t-o! And I was thinking Tiny & Toya was the worst, oh wait there was those other MTv spin-offs Baldwin Hills & Harlem Heights. I am all about Black Entertainment but BET ain't cuttin' it. What happened to the damn music videos! MTv is killin them softly, eventhough they don't show music videos like back in the day, their reality shows are 100% better than what BET cooked up, believe that. Please tell me I am not alone!!!! BET is good for 106 & Park and catching Baby Boy & ATL on Friday nights when there isn't nothing else on the tube! Ya dig?

Outie♥
Breezi F.

Case of the Fake People

Lately, I have found myself extremely aggravated and no, it isn't just because I am pregnant causes me to be moody, its the Case of the Fake People. That's why I am they way I have been lately and I am pretty sure many have taken notice. Honestly, I feel like I have a lack of friends. As I have been referring to myself, lately as the LONER. Coming from me, many are like "Yeah the fuck right." But whatever, it's true. I feel like many people talk to me when it's convenient for them or they have something to say negatively. Then I gotta hear "Why are you distancing yourself?" because I feel a lot of people are being fake. Transparent. For example, if you have know idea WTF is going on in my household and come up with your own opinion, then decided to go and tell a group of people what you think you know about it when in reality you have it all backwards. FAKE. Or when you talk complete shit about someone behind their back, then next thing I know you are chatting it up on the Myspace or hanging out the next day. PHONY. Oh and this is great too, when the person you had a falling out with only hits you up when it is convenient for them, and when they are mad at someone your close with, to be spiteful they contact you. TRANSPARENT. Describing the people who are in my life rather I fuck with them or not. When I am quick to say, "I dont trust anyone" everybody goes into a rage but I rather be a loner than be around people are fake. Yeah it sucks, it really does. I admit, I am a highly suspicious person and I do not put anything past anybody because 9 times out of 10 I am 100% correct. I feel like the people I consider my besties aren't even there. So I question myself, is it my fault that it is the way it is? Partially because it works two ways but then I think about how the conversation ended last time we spoke. Still holding grudges? Damn right because the situation never go its closure when I tried. Last year this time, I was celebrating my 21st (well about too) with my "best friends" at the time and this year we barely speak. One of them I am not even friends with and I think she doesn't even comprehend the extent of what she done nor even apologize but still up to her ways. It's like in the end it goes to show, you have nobody but yourself. I admit I miss it when I could and hang out with everybody but now a days (in the famous words of Enemim) ahem, and I quote:

"Now-a-days eveybody got something to say but nothing comes out when they move their lips, just a bunch of gibberish and mutha fuckers act like they forgot about Breeze."

It is what is. I'd rather just fuck with myself then catch a Case of the Fake People......

Outie♥
Breezi F.
aka
Miss Solo Dolo