Ello there people. =)
Tis' journey is almost over.
People are asking more than ever if I am excited about the pregnancy.
I simply reply 'Uh, Not Really.'
It's not that I am not happy about yet another gift from God or ready to be a mom (Sheesh, I have Gavin already so I got this in the bag) it's just I feel my pregnancy was not a happy one, its running neck and neck with my pregnancy two years ago. (So far, this one is in the lead. Not a good look.) I can honestly say that my suroundings and choosing to keep certain company brought my unhappiness. It was always a constant up and down situation. To escape in the past, the problems and people I'd move constantly or react like a mad woman. Reflecting on the course of these last nine months I would have to say my actions have been completely out of character. For awhile now, (like years) I was doing pretty well of not acting upon others ignorance or behaviors but I have found myself lately on top of everything. You ever get that feeling like "If you don't react, it shows weakness but if you do, it'll show your just as ignorant as they are?" I found myself in those type of "if" situations a lot this year. Listening to the "if i were you's" or the unthought out advice of others, and not thinking for myself and how it will affect my future put me in some unsteady situations. It's been about a month or so since I have been living in my new home with my unborn's father. (No, I don't like the term baby-daddy or baby-mama cause it's really ghetto and ignorant.) A month.
30 days. No we aren't together and wont be together, ever. Whatever. We live together because we want a family environment for the kids. Gavin is attached to him and even looked at him as a father in his life. Not only for the kids but when we aren't arguing we get along great. We both enjoy each other's company and running things together, but still not together. Ever again. In this short amount of time, he has threaned to leave once and actually left for about a week the last time. Why? Actions. We have put each other through hell since I had my miscarriage and ended up being pregnant again. We keep dealing with each other but neither can forgive or forget. We are looked upon as stupid for dealing with each other yet embarased of our past actions caused us to be. We used to be friends, best of friends for four years before our relationship and that's where it went down hill. I been twiddling my thumbs for the longest about "if's" what if I never got pregnant again, would I still have my bestfriend better yet my boyfriend back? Or "if" we left each other alone would I still have the people I used to call friends in my life? Even if, I kept, not even I, WE kept our business out the noses of others would so many problems erupt? These are the questions I never will have the answers to. So to prevent future problems I need to go back to thinking before I respond or retaliate against people and even if I am judged or looked upon as weak, I am 22 year-old mom with now her own everything and two kids that need me. Not a relationship, enemies, negativity, or drama should be my focus. The actions I make until I take my last breath will be the correct ones. I don't ever want this to control my happiness or take me out of my element again. Life is like a movie besides the fact there aren't any cuts or do-overs. So make your next move your best move because I know I will, without a doubt.
Ello there people. =)